anyway, Joel and I recently hosted a write-off. The contestants were Jessica my cousin, Diana, my second cousin, Megan who shares my birthday and is my 14th cousin thrice removed (although she probably won't admit it), and Justin who is no relation whatsoever.
It comes down to you, dear readers--MY dear readers--, to make the ultimate decision. Who do you trust to stave off your darkness? Please leave your votes at the end.
The Management (mostly Joel)
Contestant 1: Jessica
Jessica: well, now i'll tell you a story, since i have absolutely nothing else to do Jessica: once upon a time there was a little girl named molly Jessica: the end Xolvox_chick85: you always use that name! Jessica: well, here's another one 11:15 PM Jessica: once upon a time there was a girl named....um, molly Jessica: who died suddenly Jessica: when she Jessica: um Jessica: choked on an ice cube Xolvox_chick85: ice 9? Jessica: that was in her glass of guaquemoli Jessica: or however you spell it Jessica: the reason she was drinking that stuff is because she had a problem Jessica: she didn't know how to sew her own clothes Xolvox_chick85: um? Xolvox_chick85: you know that compliment i payed you? Jessica: so one day she went to the frog down in the jungle if Egypt Xolvox_chick85: yeah, well Xolvox_chick85: but Joel likes it Jessica: and it told her to drink a really aweful drink that people usually eat with chips Jessica: when she got back home she was trying to figure out what that substance could possibly be Jessica: she looked in her tin box of food and all she had was green, moldy cheese, brownish wilted lettuce, and an artichoke heart 11:20 PM Jessica: so, she tried drinking the cheese but she got food poisoning and she had to go next door to the nearest cardboard box shelter where her friend Herbert lived. Jessica: he pulled out the two pound green cheese with his mechanical pencil and molly sat on her metal bed for two weeks, puking up green stuff into a bowl. Jessica: when she was better, she had an idea Jessica: "hmmm..." she said,"maybe this is the green stuff people eat with chips, although it's an interesting technique of making food." Jessica: she wasn't really sure, so she decided to try it out on someone else frist. Jessica: she went to Herbert's box and gave him the bowl of green stuff and some doritoes Jessica: he asked what it was and she told him it was mostly made with cheese Jessica: he dipped a chip in the "dip" and took a bite Jessica: he keeled over, and dies Jessica: died 11:25 PM Jessica: "well," molly said,"that's not it" and left Herbert's box Jessica: she went back home and looked in her tin can. she pulled out the lettuce and tried to drink it. it tasted aweful as it slowly made its way down her throat. she almost choked, but she picked up some dirt and water from her floor and made some coffee to help wash it down. Jessica: she waited with needle and thread and cloth in hand, but nothing happened Jessica: "well, that didn't work" she said Xolvox_chick85: i always liked this part Jessica: that's nice Jessica: anyway Jessica: as i was saying Jessica: then she took the artichoke heart Xolvox_chick85: and stabbed it!? Jessica: NO!!! Jessica: no guessing, you'll mess me up Xolvox_chick85: buried it under the floorboards? Xolvox_chick85: and she could hear it ticking Jessica: and was guilty when the landlord came over Jessica: and finally admitted to murdering an artichoke heart Jessica: except for the fact that no one knows where she lives cause she lives in a van down by the river Xolvox_chick85: yessss Jessica: no 11:30 PM Xolvox_chick85: that's plagiarism Jessica: you started it Jessica: anyway, she was standing there, holding the beati...green heart in her hand and started thinking to herself, "hmmm...maybe the frog wasn't being literal when he said to drink something green that people usually eat with chips" Jessica: so, she decided to be more creative and got out her scissors and paste Xolvox_chick85: oh yeah Jessica: she cut up and glued the heart to make a collage of someone drinking a glass of blended artichoke heart seasoned with a little bit of paprica Jessica: and again, she waited with needle, cloth, and thread in hand, but again, nothing happened Xolvox_chick85: um, maybe you should go to sleep now Jessica: she was fed up. she was really hungry too Jessica: i'm not done with the story, almost 11:35 PM Jessica: so, she went to a party at dead herbert's box. she was having a great time, forgetting all her worries. then someone came up to her and dared her to drink a glass of guaquemole (or however you spell it), and she said yes Jessica: she wasn't thinking about being able to sew, as i mentioned that she had forgotten about all her worries Jessica: in the dim moonlight she sat there on the ground, glass in hand, and ready let the sludge make its way down her throat, through her esauphegus (or however you spell it), down into her stomache, through her intestines, and out y' go!!! (we'll skip that part) Jessica: so, she drank it. Xolvox_chick85: i don't remember this part Xolvox_chick85: i think you've changed it Jessica: apparantly, though she didn't know this, but Molly was allergic to avacodos, and as you know (i hope) that is what Guaquemole is made of 11:40 PM Jessica: she was so allergic to it, that it made her mouth and throat swell up that it gave her a gagging reaction and she started choking. Jessica: well there wasn't anything dead herbert could do, since he was out of his stock of penicillon Jessica: so she died, on the spot Jessica: (the Spot was Herbert's poodle) Jessica: so, the moral of the story is, look both ways before you cross the railway tracks, unless you're trying to get yourself killed. in that case, wait in the middle of them as long as you can until you hear a train coming. try watching footloose, for further instructions Jessica: the end Xolvox_chick85: well, you definitely get points for length Xolvox_chick85: and the twist ending Jessica: one time i wrote a story about how the giraffe got his blotches Jessica: it was paint Jessica: spilled on him by the monkey Jessica: who was up in the treehouse Xolvox_chick85: yes...well, that's a story for another day Jessica: and somehow it soaked into his DNA and became part of his genes so that all his ancestors looked like him |
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Contestant 3: Megan
Megan: you should do what I say Xolvox_chick85: oh Xolvox_chick85: tell us a story Megan: what kind of story? Xolvox_chick85: the good kind Xolvox_chick85: about Xolvox_chick85: a tall, tall, cliff with a grocery store inside Xolvox_chick85: and a telephone Megan: ok Megan: there was once a legend Megan: that somewhere in Washington lies a tall tall cliff Megan: with a grocery store inside Megan: and a telephone Xolvox_chick85: and some mice Megan: and some mic Megan: *mice Megan: who ran the grocery store Megan: and kept the telephone in good repair Xolvox_chick85: make it rhyme now Megan: for years people searched and searched for this magical cliff 11:15 PM Megan: but they decided that it must be in Cardiff Xolvox_chick85: oh Megan: because this place couldn't be found Xolvox_chick85: uh-huh Megan: even when looking all around Xolvox_chick85: *claps hands in glee* Megan: but then one day a boy named Mike Xolvox_chick85: NO! Megan: okay I forgot Megan: his name was Ike Xolvox_chick85: tricky Megan: decided that he would be the new Pike Megan: and he would after himself name a peak Megan: and so he began to seek and seek Xolvox_chick85: you're reaching Megan: he roamed through the deserts in the east Xolvox_chick85: go back to vers Libre Megan: he fought off many a terrible beast Megan: gimme a break here Megan: I'm adlibbing ya hear? Megan: and finally when Ike was almost dead Megan: he'd had no food; the head had gotten to his head 11:20 PM Megan: he saw a flash of white streak across the ground Megan: a little white mouse, that's what he'd found! Xolvox_chick85: wait, back up...how did ike almost die? Megan: ahem: he'd had no food; the *heat had gotten to his head Xolvox_chick85: ah Megan: he followed the mouse to the secret store Megan: but before he could take on footstop more Megan: all the other mice began to attack! Megan: they didn't like Ike, they told him to go back Xolvox_chick85: didn't we tell you to go back to free verse? Megan: what's free verse? Megan: no rhyming? Xolvox_chick85: but, it's getting better Xolvox_chick85: so, go ahead with the rhyming afterall Megan: ok Megan: Ike ran away as fast as he could Megan: through washington desert, stream, and wood Megan: he stopped in a bar to tell his tale Megan: but alas, it was to know avail! 11:25 PM Megan: *no Megan: nobody would believe our poor friend Megan: so here is where his tale must end Megan: he now sells Vespa's in a Seattle store Megan: and doesn't really like mice anymore Megan: the end Xolvox_chick85: 8.2 Xolvox_chick85: which is pretty good, all things considered Megan: well for on the spot... Megan: I'll take it Xolvox_chick85: *judges are cranky* |
Contestant 4: Justin
Xolvox_chick85: tell us a story Justin: us? Xolvox_chick85: yeah Xolvox_chick85: us Xolvox_chick85: you got a problem? Justin: who is us? Justin: maybe i do have a problem Xolvox_chick85: joel and shelley Justin: i need to know who my audience is Xolvox_chick85: for now Justin: and why do you want me of all people to tell a story? Xolvox_chick85: you're good at that sort of thing Justin: for now? Xolvox_chick85: yes Justin: more coming? Xolvox_chick85: maybe Justin: who else is coming? Xolvox_chick85: could be everyone Xolvox_chick85: i'll let you know Justin: fine Justin: you hvae to tell me everytime someone new comes Xolvox_chick85: ok Justin: now, what kind of story do you want to hear? Xolvox_chick85: a story about a lamp, an alligator, and a deed of vengeance Justin: very well Justin: once upon a time Xolvox_chick85: i like your style Justin: there was a young lad named mordemer Justin: his friends called him moldy Justin: and moldy didnt mind this... interesting nick name Justin: as he was very easy going Justin: he didnt really mind much of anything Justin: except Justin: a young lass who lived on the farm adjacent to moldy's Justin: this young woman was very beautiful Justin: but she was also very cold hearted Justin: and used moldy's infatuation with her to her advantage Justin: her name was Justin: karon Justin: well, karon had a pet alligator Justin: which she made moldy feed every day Justin: not only would moldy have to feed this alligator Justin: he also had to go catch various critters to throw to it Justin: such as small woodland creatures Justin: but not squirrels Justin: never squirrels Justin: for it was well known throughout the land that squirrels were Justin: both dastardly cunning Justin: and quite ferocious Justin: and they often travelled in bands, attacking randomly and without provocation Justin: well one evening Justin: moldy and his friend Justin: scooter Justin: (scooters real name was bert, but he also had a nickname) Justin: hey, ill brb Xolvox_chick85: that's better Xolvox_chick85: oh Xolvox_chick85: not that you're leaving 12:25 AM Justin: ok, im back Xolvox_chick85: ok Xolvox_chick85: i'm glad Xolvox_chick85: i couldn't wait to hear the rest Justin: so lets see, scooter and moldy Justin: went out for a walk through the forest Justin: and scooter (being more aggressive then moldy) started telling him how he shouldnt be such a push over Justin: and how he should make karon feed her own d——— alligator Justin: excuse the language, but it was a direct quote Justin: anyways Justin: scooter started making fun of karon and her alligator Justin: moldy got upset Justin: and ran off Justin: but scooter and moldy werent the only ones who were in the forrest that evening... Justin: in his fury moldy went and got lost Justin: but he saw some light, from a fire in a clearing up ahead Justin: so he slowly snuck up Justin: as he got closer and closer Justin: he heard a low chanting Justin: he got the to the edge of the clearing Justin: and !!!!!! Justin: there was karon! Justin: dancing, and chanting Justin: with a number of other young beautiful girls Justin: practicing unmentionable dark arts Xolvox_chick85: spooky Justin: moldy was so suprised Justin: he stepped back quickly Justin: and he tripped on a branch Justin: and fell over backward Justin: in a large racket Justin: the unknown witches quickly grabbed, and subdued moldy Justin: then tied him up Justin: karon walked up to him Justin: (it was appearant to moldy now, that she was thier leader) Justin: she touched his face Justin: and said, half to herself Justin: you will make a lovely sacrifice dear Justin: then she shouted Justin: "bring the lamp!!!" Xolvox_chick85: nicely done! Xolvox_chick85: stage 2, the dialect round Justin: sorry Justin: the dialect round? Xolvox_chick85: yes, incorporate some elements of your favorite dialect into the story Justin: i dont really have a favorite dialect Justin: does american count? Justin: ha, canadian, eh? Xolvox_chick85: ok Justin: ok, well Justin: the next day Justin: scooter, was out riding his pet raptor Justin: and he came upon a lamp out in the outback Justin: now, this wasnt like an ordinary lamp Justin: or even like a magic lamp Justin: it resembled a magic lamp, except it was much larger Justin: and there were burn marks all over outside Xolvox_chick85: uh-huh Justin: scooter approached the lamp and opened it Justin: he then quickly shut it Justin: and vomited on the ground Justin: inside, it appeared moldy had been "cooked" Justin: to death! Justin: scooter who was able to speak a little squirrel Justin: when to visit with a squirrel chieftan, who he had gained the respect of Justin: but that is a different story Justin: this squirrels name was Justin: squee-chipchripchak-clak-qak-tak-chip-chiiiiiiiiiiii-cha 12:45 AM Justin: or chieftan crackum nutem Justin: in a rough translation Justin: scooter and the chief had a long talk Justin: and then they went to the clearing Justin: where moldy had been the night before Justin: (squirrels are excellent trackers) Justin: and they laid a trap Justin: that evening Justin: when the dark arcanists returned Justin: with karon riding atop her alligator Justin: suddenly Justin: darts came out of no where Justin: taking down most of the witches Justin: but the more experienced/ powerful sorcerers cast spells Justin: burning the darts to ashes before they reached their targets Justin: then arose a horrid battle cry! Justin: squirrels were everywhere 12:50 AM Justin: the witches paniced Justin: for the squirrels ferocity was unmatched Justin: the rest of the witches quickly when down Justin: but karon and her alligator kept them at bay Justin: she was the only one left Justin: with a number of dead squirrels around her Justin: then emerged scooter from the bushes Justin: he was wearing terrible black armor Justin: and looked more fearsome then even the squirrels Justin: he ran forward and said one word Justin: moldy. Justin: then ran her through Justin: while the squirrels overwhelmed the alligator Justin: after cleaning his sword Justin: scooter proclaimed Justin: from this day forward i shall be known only as the dark knight Justin: and thus the cold, and furious dark knight was born Justin: the same dark knight who was to go on and destroy kingdoms, assinate lords, and win glorious battles Justin: the end 12:55 AM Xolvox_chick85: wowo, Xolvox_chick85: well, it beat Diana's Xolvox_chick85: 9.75 Justin: ha, thanks Xolvox_chick85: so, can i share it with the world now? Justin: i kinda tried to hurry the end Justin: go ahead Xolvox_chick85: ok Justin: but i didnt want the ending to be anti-climatic Xolvox_chick85: i'm holding a competition and i'm posting it on my blog Xolvox_chick85: it wasn't Xolvox_chick85: Joel and i were enthralled Justin: so am i winning? Xolvox_chick85: i think so Xolvox_chick85: by a long shot Justin: ha, im glad to hear that you liked it Xolvox_chick85: although, we told Diana that she won Justin: lol Xolvox_chick85: but, she was beaten by a dark horse--a late comer |
